Grace, I know when books of history are written, you will get more than a footnote! Heck! I suspect some authors might depict you as the misunderstood heroine and others will say what a villain you have become. You might not believe it ‘my dear’ Grace, but I think you will join the rather limited list of women of historical notoriety.

Grace, there is no simple way to say it — you are a bad girl! You are as bad as Delilah in the Bible and Marie Antoinette. In my books, you are the ultimate slay queen. You have made a man love you till he has decimated his country, turned it into a pariah all in the name of love — you be nasty Grace!

You are not like those pout-faced slay queens I see these days who sprout and wither every fortnight and whose only claim to fame is likes and retweets. Grace, if the recent events are anything to go by, I suspect that the future ahead of you might not be so rosy — any wonder you are in hiding.

You should use your time in hiding for some good and perhaps write a book. You can share some tips with women and even men who want to be as bad as you. I know you might be a bit stressed right now, so I have drafted a few pointers that you can share. Here are a few possible excerpts from your potential best-seller book- Lessons from Amazing Grace.

Choose your men very carefully

If you are aiming to be a woman with a certain kind of power, you cannot be careless about your choice of men. Choose men who can oil your power machine. Look at men, even before Uncle Bob came along, I was married to an air force pilot so the transition from pilot to President was natural and seamless.

These young girls of today need to realise that if they want to be women of power, they must shed off those deadbeat characters whose only claim to fame is understanding free Wi-Fi hotspots, or knowing the best pubs for free happy hour drinks.

Identify your man’s insecurities and exploit them

All men even the great ones have a weakness. I had seen how women in the Bible and in history have exploited such vulnerabilities. Delilah knew that for Samson it was all about his hair. We all know how that story ended. From the very start, I knew that Bob’s weakest point was his desire to have children.

I knew that I was not his intellectual equal – after all I was but a mere typist and he had over seven degrees. So I used my womb and child bearing abilities as the ultimate weapons to worm my way into Bob’s lifetime affections and to have power unlimited.

Once I had his children, it was a slam-dunk. Any woman who wants to have power like me, must know her man’s weakest points and work on them.

Develop a thick hide

It is foolishness to assume that you can have serious power especially in this world of brutal politics, if you are a good girl. Simply put, good girls never go anywhere. So if you want to be like me, shed all attempts at morality and goodness. I had to learn how to feel nothing about having an affair with Mugabe despite the fact that I was married and that his wife was seriously unwell at the time.

I had to muster a different kind of strength to live with a man who is almost half a century older than me.

Then you have to factor in all the hate mail I received and continue to receive, the bad press I will forever get and the venom and machinations from those who also like me want power. Power and money make life very sweet, so if you want to have both like me, develop the thick hide and keep your eyes on the prize.

Look the part

I lived by a certain philosophy all my life — that even when they write bad stories about me, I will ensure that I look my best. For this reason, I ensured that funds meant for infrastructure and Medicare were redirected to ensure I have the right serums and portions to ensure that my skin looks forever flawless and that my waist always remains trim.

I always ensured that my Gucci outfits complete Uncle Bob’s suits and when we had to wear African print; I spent hours making sure we were perfectly coordinated and always camera ready.

So for those who want to be powerful like me, they must invest lots of money in looking good, all the time.

Grace, I hope these excerpts inspire you to write a book because you do have useful lessons to share. I hope that you will be humble enough to include a chapter or two that all powerful slay queens need to know when to stop in their ambitions. But jokes aside, ‘my dear’ Grace, you got a bit carried away by your rise to power — from a humble typist to First Lady that you started playing in the wrong league.

The minute you started messing around with the army and imagining you could be President, I knew your goose was sunk. Even before that, when you started causing diplomatic wars, just because your son wanted to party and get laid… I wish you well in the future Grace — whether in exile or Zimbabwe.

Yours faithfully.

Njoki Kaigai

Source: Pocket News

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